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Friday, January 29, 2010

10 Reasons Why I Hate the Superbowl (and you should too)

Yep, I said it.

Before you brandish me an Un-American misanthrope and squish me into an iron maiden with the decomposed remains of Benedict Arnold and Azzam the American (he's an Al-Qaeda member), hear me out:

1. Bandwagon fans come out of the woodwork. Co-workers who nauseatingly recap last night's episode of "Jersey Shore" at the water cooler are suddenly donning jerseys from the favored team and proclaiming they've been super fans all along. When you ask if they have any legitimate affiliation with either squad, their response is something along the lines of "No, but I've always been a _______ fan. "

2. People who proudly announce they only watch the Superbowl for the commercials. Don't get me wrong, I get a good chuckle out of the clever Bud Light commercial where the 20-something dude trains his Yorkie to lap up beer from sticky bar floors and regurgitate it back into his beer bong. I just can't stand the guy who shushes everyone so he can hear the commercials than disappears into a bowl of guacamole during the actual game. You'll see how your girlfriend comes into the mix with this one when you get to #8. Which brings me to...

3. You're forced to be around people that don't watch the game. It becomes 'the socialite bowl' for casual watchers who are strictly there to schmooze. I'm utterly incapable of making small talk during significant games or when my Detroit Lions are playing so please don't talk to me about Obama's state of the union address or your how many goals your niece scored in her JV field hockey debut. I would pretend I cared any other day.

4. Halftime shows. The extended halftime only stretches out the already painfully long filibuster that has become the Superbowl. Forgive me for my ignorance but I've never even heard of this year's performers, The Who. Seeing as how we've been graced by the ageless likes of Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, and Shania Twain in recent years, this selection makes me wonder why the NFL is suddenly targeting the baby boomer demographic again? Regardless of who (no pun intended) performs the acoustics are always spotty and the throngs of backup dancers and high school bands always manage to create an awkwardly gridlocked chaos. Oh, and please leave the wardrobe malfunctions for publicity stunts on MTV. There's no place for that in football.

5. Only corporate fatcats can actually afford to attend the Super Bowl. Since it's a neutral site, the average fan can't afford to follow his team there. Going to the Super Bowl is a status symbol for many Americans so evil corporations snatch up luxury boxes while equally diabolical ticket brokers drive prices up to five figures a pop. Most of the rich coots will devour hors d'oeuvres while discussing croquet and Sarah Palin's personal memoirs of going rogue or something like that instead of watching the actual game (see #3).

6. Celebrity Cameos. I will wager my wedding ring that we will endure a minimum of fifty Kim Kardashian reaction shots during the game. Hopefully we catch her picking her nose or groping Lamar Odom during the halftime show?
7. It's impossible to order a pizza. For the most part, football fans are lazy, unprepared creatures. We're too distracted by the games to order three hours in advance and lack the motivation to go pick up a pie in fear we might miss kickoff. The Superbowl is the only day we can't reach for the phone, order in, then roll back onto the couch for the rest of the day.

8. You're forced to watch the game with your girlfriend. As lovely as she may be, there's nothing worse than having to explain the difference between a safety and touchdown to your significant other during the big game. She claims she wants you to teach her the rules but this seems to be the only day she expresses any interest; the rest of the season she complains that you sit around on your butt and watch too much football. Despite your detailed explanations you realize she only starts cheering after everyone else does. She still has no idea what's going on but that doesn't prevent her from barraging you with a flurry of inane questions. If you blow her off, you're a big jerk and she storms off to flirt with the douche who only watches the commercials (see #2).

9. Everyone has money on the game. This is the one day in the year that the amateurs go to the sports handicappers and there's only one thing worse than having to listen to someone who has $10 on the opposing team gutturally scream after every 1st down when you bet your mortgage on the other team. It's being stuck in a room where everyone screams as if they have wagered their first born child's college tuition on the game. Once they hear someone passionately rooting for the other team they feel an alpha male responsibility to out shout the other person. It quickly turns into a barbaric match of who can embarrass themselves more in public by throwing adolescent tantrums when the their team is penalized 5 yards for a false start. If your one of these people I got some great sports betting tips for you.

10. It's the last game of the year. From here on out we're stuck with hoops and baseball (ugh). There will be no more fantasy stat tracking, redzone channel, or suicide leagues. Monday night football will be replaced by Grey's Anatomy night with the same girlfriend who cheated on you with the guacamole guy. You still have the draft in two months but it's not the same. The only saving grace is that fans of perennial basement dwelling franchises get a clean slate. Maybe, just maybe, this is your year (unless you're a Lions fan).

If you liked 10 Reasons Why I hate the SuperBowl (and you should too) you may also like How to bet Super Bowl Props and Cooper's Super Bowl Picks


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